Heartbreak. He broke off the one connection we had. Trying to accept that this one action, this one thing, is all that defines me in his eyes. I’m not a bad person. And yet I did this unforgivable thing. I did this thing, not out of any desire to be devious or cruel or to play games. I was scared. And so I lied to myself, and I lied to him, and the result is this. The result is this utter misery and heartbreak.

I am so sorry, Aaron. I am so very fucking sorry. I never meant to hurt you.

How do you find peace in the midst of this heartbreak? All my pretty words, all my courageous cheer…it was just me trying to make the best of this situation. I will never be the kind of person who admits my heartbreak openly before hundreds. I will always hide it, inwards, cradle it desperately in the deepest part of my being.

I am not a bad person. And yet…how is this the sum of my actions? How is this utter agony all that I am left with at the end of my day? How is this one, single action all that I can remember as I think back over my twenty-five years of life? How do I live, how do I learn, how do I go on, knowing that in this important moment, I completely and utterly failed? How do I live with this betrayal to him and towards myself?

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One Response to agony

  1. You walk forward in life one step at a time.

    Peace be with you.


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