self-forgiveness or self-flagellation?

I’m trying to accept this idea of forgiving myself. I’m human, I keep reminding myself, I’m imperfect, mistakes are bound to happen. But part of me, meanwhile, thinks that I should suffer as much as I am capable of. While I try to suppress my heartbreak and hide from it, the other part of me embraces it as my due punishment. I recognize that this martyr trait is not healthy and will not make up for what I did, and that the best thing to do is to learn and to become whole and peaceful with myself again in order to serve my community better… But then, the other part of me wonders if looking at things from this modern perspective is the easy way out — by allowing myself to become whole again, am I shirking the punishment I deserve and the cost I should pay? But…in old school markets, you could pay with many different things — with a chicken or fresh bread or dyed wool. Does it matter how I pay, as long as I pay?

 

It’s amazing how the things we put behind us over seven years ago come out and haunt us when we’re at our weakest. This Pentecostal mindset of mine…

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