After I lost my faith, I comforted myself with this notion of universality, of connection between all things. My biggest fear then was wondering what happened to my soul, and the theory that I came up with was very much based on other schools of thoughts and religions out there. I liked this idea of becoming part of the earth in death and that my rotting corpse would fuel the growth of plants and become part of this great, big, beautiful – you guessed it – Circle of Life. I like the cyclical view of the universe. It’s very symmetrically pretty, and to those who believe in it, it ensures that they follow this kharmic code of treating others well, because it would come back on them.
I never thought I’d find myself on the other side of that balance, on the negative side of things. “You cannot do wrong without suffering wrong,” wrote Emerson. How right that is. Because it’s all connected. We’re all connected. When we harm a friend, we harm ourselves. We suffer shame and guilt and agony for the pain we inflicted.
I forgot the interconnectedness between all things. I forgot a lot of things. Such as that there is a difference between being able to think and actually thinking. And that I should have reverence for the lives of others. And so when I inflicted pain, and I continue to suffer for it….I should be grateful (even when I just want to curl up in a ball and sob until the world ends) for the reminder that this pain provides: don’t harm another. Ever ever ever.