I find it very difficult to be alone these days or to have free time with nothing to do. When I have nothing to distract myself with, my thoughts revert to what I have done. I have not hated myself this much since…maybe there was a time in my life that I have hated myself as much, but I do not remember it. Even when I was an angsty adolescent struggling with the person I was becoming, I still accepted who I was. But now…to find myself capable of such an ugly, ugly act…how do I live with this person that I have apparently become over the years?
I am stunned, still, a week and some days later, to discover the ugliness at the core of my character. How am I capable of hurting someone like this? How did this happen? How did I become this person?
Whenever I have gone through difficult times, such as heart break, my strategy over the years has been to immediately throw myself into work and activity in order to distract myself from my thoughts. Of course, my reaction this time was the same — I have reached out to at least three different organizations or activities and pledged commitments to them. The Universe seems to want me to pause and to reflect, however, because none of these activities begin for another couple of weeks. So here I am, with time on my hands, forced to face myself and to make an honest attempt at fixing this flaw in my character. It’s good, of course…but it’s painful.
Maybe, though, that is one reason that it became possible for me to commit such an act: I simply have lost the ability to pause and think about my life. Oh, I’m analytical and reflective…but ever since that two year period after I lost my faith, I have not often stopped to consider the build of my character or to question whether my morals were acceptable or to ponder whether the future I was headed towards is really the best for me. I have fallen into the trap of accepting what happens to me and acquiescing with the actions of my person. I have become complacent and comfortable, and I have assumed that this was the best that I could do.
And so here are the consequences of such an attitude: thoughtlessly causing great harm to a good man and becoming afraid of being alone with myself.